


Don't Go

by fath



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chatting & Messaging, College, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, High School, Instant Messaging, M/M, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, Triggers, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-06-04 11:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6656347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fath/pseuds/fath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas talk over the years on their Instant Message accounts, Impala67 and Angel_Wings. </p><p>Over a period of five years they stay in contact, promising never to completely leave each other. But time changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Talk of Parties and the Future

**May 20, 2005**

 

_Angel_Wings is online._

 

 **Impala67:** hey cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello Dean.

 

 **Impala 67:** hows it hanging

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How is what hanging?

 

 **Impala 67:** its an expression cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh.

**Impala67:** so what do u have goin on this weekend?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Mostly homework. How is Sam?

 

 **Impala67:** oh you know same old annoying little brother

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, I know you don’t mean that. You love Sam.

 

 **Impala67:** ok cas but that doesn’t mean I have to say it all the time

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I suppose not. What are you doing this weekend, Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** Saturday night im going to a party with bela

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Bela? Who’s Bela?

 

 **Impala67:** bela from my homeroom? super smokin hot bela

**Angel_Wings:** Oh. I see.

 

 **Impala67:** yeah some chick named april is hosting it. you should come cas you might find a girl

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You go ahead, Dean. I really have to study this weekend. And besides I wouldn’t want to intrude on your date with Bela.

 

 **Impala67:** its hardly a date cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You always say that, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** well when is it really a date where i actually like the girl

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Let’s talk about something else. I don’t want to hear about your sexual exploits, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** ok ok touchy

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Have you picked a college, yet?

 

 **Impala67:** heh yea bout that

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What do you mean? I thought you told me you were down to two you liked?

 

 **Impala67:** cas im not going to college

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What? But I thought you had it narrowed down to two! And what about those scholarships you won?

 

 **Impala67:** yeah well

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean? What happened?

 

 **Impala67:** my dad

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh.

 

 **Impala67:** look i dont wanna talk about it

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m sorry, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** dont be. aint your fault. sammy is gonna go to college and thats all that matters

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** hows it lookin for you college-wise

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It’s alright I suppose. It’s weird to think that in August, I’ll be moving to Connecticut to go to Yale.

 

 **Impala67:** its not just alright its amazing cas. youre so smart. always have been

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I wish you could come with me, Dean. I really am not looking forward to making new friends up there on my own.

 

 **Impala67:** dont sweat it cas. they’ll love you. and if they dont well screw them

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, most people don’t think as highly of me as you do.

 

 **Impala67:** and most people are idiots cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** what are you doing tonight?

**Angel_Wings:** Homework.

 

 **Impala67:** make it wait

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Why?

 

 **Impala67:** look i just saw the trailer for that new movie house of wax and i really wanna go see it

 

 **Angel_Wings:** House of Wax? You mean with that Jared Pada-something-or-other?

 

 **Impala67:** yeah! come on cas lets go see it

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, it’s a Friday night.

 

 **Impala67:** and?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Shouldn’t you be taking a “smoking hot” girl like Bela to see this horror movie?

 

 **Impala67:** why cant i take my best friend in the whole wide world instead?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I

 

 **Impala67:** come on cas please

**Angel_Wings:** I’ll ask Michael if I can go out for a few hours.

 

 **Impala67:** yes!

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Okay. Michael said that I can go.

 

 **Impala67:** awesome!!!!!! okay i’ll pick you up at 7?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Sure, Dean. Whatever you want. I’ll be ready.

 

 **Impala67:** See you then.


	2. The Hits Get Harder

**June 30, 2005**

 

_Angel_Wings is online._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** oh hey cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean? I’m sensing that you aren’t overjoyed to talk to me?

 

 **Impala67:** nah its not that im just really worn out

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Is everything alright, Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** fuckin bela

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh no. Dean, what happened?

 

 **Impala67:** she is such a bitch I swear

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, I am going to have an aneurysm. Will you just tell me what’s going on?

 

 **Impala67:** dammit cas she’s gonna get me arrested

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, what do you mean?

 

 **Impala67:** ok so we went to the party right? well when we were there, we did just what you thought we were gonna do. we fucked ok? just… fuck cas i cant even

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, it’s okay. Whatever happened, it’s okay. I’m here to help you.

 

 **Impala67:** we fucked and then it was as usual. it was over you know? and then she tried to get back with me and i kept telling her no no no and now shes tellin people that i raped her at that fucking party and i didn’t cas. this isnt just gonna ruin my rep I could get put in jail cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Tell John.

 

 **Impala67:** fuck no he’d beat me into next week

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Then why don’t you tell Mrs. Singer? She is the sheriff after all. I’m sure Jody would believe you since you’re practically her nephew.

 

 **Impala67:** maybe. this bitch is psycho cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It’ll work out alright, Dean. I heard she’s going away for college anyway so you won’t have to deal with her for too much longer.

 

 **Impala67:** yeah maybe but when she leaves you’ll be gone too

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m sorry for wanting to be a life-saving doctor.

 

 **Impala67:** you better be. jk cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Jk?  


**Impala67:** just kidding. jeez cas get up to date on your IM lingo

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m… not even going to ask.

 

 **Impala67:** so, my probs aside, hows life been treating you

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh it’s been pretty nice, actually. It’s weird not seeing you at school every day, but I’ve been spending more time with my brothers. Gabriel brought home one of his friends from college. I really like him. His name is Adam.

 

 **Impala67:** adam? sounds like some crappy side character in a main stream tv show that appears in a few episodes and is always forgotten by everyone on the show although the fanbase continues to remember them

 

 **Angel_Wings:** That… was an oddly specific generalization, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** seriously tho he sounds like a tool

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You don’t know anything about him, Dean. It’s not fair to judge

 

 **Impala67:** who said anything about judging?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I think it’s very obvious that you are judging him based on his name alone and the fact that he is my brother’s friend.

 

 **Impala67:** so what is he like

 

 **Angel_Wings:** He’s really nice, actually. In fact, he reminds me of you.

 

 **Impala67:** yeah well i can assure you he’s not as good as the real thing

 

 **Angel_Wings:** He goes to Yale, so we’re gonna go up together in the fall. He knows where everything is and he said he’ll introduce me to all his friends. You remember how I was so nervous about meeting new people? Well, I won’t be all alone anymore. He isn’t… as brazen as you are, but he kind of looks like you.

 

 **Impala67:** thats nice

 

 **Angel_Wings:** He’s going there for business. He’s really smart too.

**Impala67:** cool. are you dating him or something?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** No… Why do you ask, Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** cuz ur gushing over him right now like hes the greatest thing since sliced bread

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m just glad to have a friend for college, Dean. It’s not like he could ever mean more to me than you do.

 

 **Impala67:** you mean that?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well, of course, Dean. We’ve been friends since we were little. No college guy is going to change that. You don’t have to worry.

 

 **Impala67:** ok cas. hey, what are you doing next week?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I don’t think anything, why?

 

 **Impala67:** well sam and i were gonna go up and rent a cabin on the lake with the money ive saved from workin at the shop. wanna come with us?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’d love to, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** Okay, see you then.

 

_Impala67 is offline._


	3. Tensions Rise

**September 10, 2005**

 

 _Angel_Wings is online_.

 

 **Impala67:** cas!

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** how’s college life treating you?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh, it’s going really well, actually. I love it here… And, well… I have good news.

 

 **Impala67:** oh yea? lay it on me

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Adam and I are dating.

 

_Message sent 7 minutes ago._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean did you disappear?

 

 **Impala67:** no no im here i had to take a piss

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh, okay. I got worried for a second.

 

 **Impala67:** yea sorry for not warning you. hey, im happy for you. you deserve happiness cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Thank you, Dean. I know you didn’t like Adam the last time we talked, but I really hope that changes. He’s really nice and sweet… He almost reminds me of you.

 

_Message sent 10 minutes ago._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean? Are you having bowel trouble?

 

_Message sent 3 minutes ago._

 

 **Impala67:** yea sorry cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It’s alright. I understand, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** yea i doubt that.

 

 _Message sent 5 minutes ago_.

 

 **Impala67:** so what are you doing

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m just working on a paper on various types of skin diseases. It’s very open-ended and I’m only focusing on about five different types. I’m on page 10 already.

 

 **Impala67:** well damn. if anyone can do it though you can

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Thanks, Dean. What have you been up to lately?

 

 **Impala67:** just working in my dads shop

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How’s Sam?

 

 **Impala67:** hes a sophomore now. still getting straight A’s. colleges are already trying to recruit him

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well, tell him he should go to Yale if he can. I can keep an eye on him his freshman year.

 

 **Impala67:** lol yea well it looks like his heart is set on stanford

 

 **Angel_Wings:** That’s a good school, but on the other side of the country. I mean, if he came to Yale, Adam and I could watch him.

 

_Message sent 7 minutes ago._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** no offense cas but i dont want adam around sam

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Why?

 

 **Impala67:** i just dont. i dont want anything to do with him

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What did he ever do to you to make you hate him so much?

 

 **Impala67:** lol

 

 **Angel_Wings:** ?

_Message sent 2 minutes ago._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Is this about what happened at the cabin this summer?

 

_Message sent 6 minutes ago._

 

 **Impala67:** for being so damn smart, you can be really fucking stupid sometimes cas

 

_Impala67 is offline._


	4. Baring Their Souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note, pay attention to the dates at the beginning of the chapters because they'll tell you about how long its been since they've talked.

**March 16, 2006**

_Impala67 is online._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean

 

 **Impala67:** hey

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How have you been?

 

 **Impala67:** ive been better

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean… Can… Can we talk?

 

 **Impala67:** bout wat

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean I feel really bad about the last time we talked. I don’t want things to end like that. I don’t want a boy to be the thing that gets between us and ruin our friendship.

 

_Message sent 5 minutes ago._

 

 **Impala67:** ok cas. look i dont want our friendship to end either. its too important to me to just throw away. you mean too much to me for that. i guess that all that talk of adam just bothered me a little too much since i really dont like him

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well, you don’t have to worry anymore. Adam… Adam is no longer in the picture.

 

 **Impala67:** meaning…?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** We broke up about a month ago.

 

 **Impala67:** shit

 

 **Impala67:** fuck

 

 **Impala67:** are you ok?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yeah. I’m okay. Look, spring break is next week and I was gonna come back to Kansas to visit the family and I was thinking… Maybe we could hang out?

 

 **Impala67:** hang out? As in…

 

 **Angel_Wings:** If you want.

 

 **Impala67:** i

 

 **Impala67:** id like to see you, cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’d like to see you too, Dean. I miss you.

 

 **Impala67:** i miss you too. ive missed you for a long time now. when you left for college i…

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m sorry, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** you were my best friend. you were there for me whenever my dad was being a dick when I really needed someone to talk to since i could never talk to sam about this stuff. And i… ive been

 

_Message sent 8 minutes ago._

**Angel_Wings:** Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** just

**Impala67:** dont hate me ok?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I could never hate you, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** i

 

 **Impala67:** ive been in love with you since we were seven

 

 _Message sent 5 minutes ago_.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** But… But what about all those girls?

**Impala67:** they werent anything special. i never cared about them… not the way i cared about you

 

 **Angel_Wings:** So all this time?

 

 **Impala67:** yes

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Why didn’t you ever say anything? You knew I was gay.

 

 **Impala67:** my dad wouldve killed me. when we were kids i wanted to give you a card on valentines day but my dad told me boys didnt give other boys cards. i kept insisting over the years that i liked you and he just started getting irritated. he told me it was wrong to like you like that and i shouldnt… and well you know the shit he did to me

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I didn’t know

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I thought that you were straight. You were always sleeping with girls like Bela and Jo and Anna.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, can I be completely honest with you?

 

 **Impala67:** why not i just bared my soul to you

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’ve been in love with you since we were kids too. But I always thought you just liked me as a friend. And then you started dating those girls and I just figured you didn’t like guys. So I met Adam and I started dating him because… Well… I figured you would never like me that way.

 

 **Impala67:** are you serious

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yes… Why wouldn’t I be?

 

 **Impala67:** all these years we were both in love with each other and we never knew?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I… I suppose so.

 

 **Impala67:** cas

 

 **Impala67:** i wanna see you

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I want to see you too, Dean. I’m leaving for Kansas this weekend and I’ll be there all next week.

 

 **Impala67:** ok

 

 **Impala67:** and when you get here lets make up for all that lost time ok

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Okay, Dean. See you then.

 

_Angel_Wings is away._


	5. Guilt and Regret

**May 30, 2006**

_Impala67 is online._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** hey

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean

 

 **Impala67:** yea?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How are things?

 

 **Impala67:** ok

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How’s Sam?

 

_Message sent 10 minutes ago._

****

**Impala67:** cas I cant do this

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Do what?

 

 **Impala67:** talk normally like this

 

 **Impala67:** like nothing happened

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, I’m not trying to make it like nothing happened.

 

 **Impala67:** did you want something to happen?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What do you mean?

 

 **Impala67:** I MEAN did you intend for us to hook up?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I

 

 **Angel_Wings:** After what we talked about, I knew it was a possibility. But it was not like I went out with you with the sole intention of having sex.

 

 **Impala67:** really?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yes, really.

 

 **Impala67:** i just find it funny that you broke up with adam then decided to tell me all these things about how you loved me since we were little. you come back and go out with me and we have sex in my car. yea thats ok and all and dont get me wrong i enjoyed it. i just find it interesting that you go back to college and then never answer any of my messages. then i see you changed your relationship status from single to in a relationship. when i was it i smiled and thought you meant me but then i looked at your bio.

 

 **Impala67:** two week cas

**Impala67:** two fucking weeks

 

 **Impala67:** two weeks after you visited you and adam get back together?

 

 **Impala67:** after everything?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean

 

 **Impala67:** SHUT up and LISTEN TO ME

 

 **Impala67:** do i mean nothing to you cas?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean that’s not it.

 

 **Impala67:** am i just your bit on the side when theres trouble in paradise?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** LOOK I FUCKED UP

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I KNOW I FUCKED UP

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I didn’t want to get back with Adam but he guilt-tripped me. He kept messaging me and was begging me to take him back. He told me he was going to kill himself if I didn’t go on a date with him. So I did. One date. I told myself I’d go out with him just once and then be done with it. Well, obviously it didn’t happen that way. He just… I couldn’t turn him down not when he was so pitiful Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** do you love him?

 

_Message sent 7 minutes ago._

 

 **Impala67:** damn it cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I don’t know.

 

 **Impala67:** Do you love me?

 

_Message sent 9 minutes ago._

**Angel_Wings:** I don’t know.

 

_Impala67 is away._


	6. Don't Go

**October 5, 2006**

 

_Impala67 is online._

**Impala67:** cas?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** it

 

 **Impala67:** its been a while

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It has. How are you, Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** im

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean?

 

 **Impala67:** shit sorry. Sam brought home a fucking cat and its currently trying to lay on my keyboard

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You own a cat?

 

 **Impala67:** i DO NOT own a cat. Sam has a cat.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What’s it’s name?

 

 **Impala67:** Bumblebee.

 

 **Impala67:** i named it actually.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh my gosh. Bumblebees used to be my favorite things.

 

 **Impala67:** i know

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What have you been up to lately?

 

 **Impala67:** I finally got out of my dads house. sam and i are living in an apartment in downtown lawrence now. im not at the shop anymore either. im training under jody to join the police force

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you.

 

 **Impala67:** its been keeping me occupied

 

 **Impala67:** so what have you been doing? hows college?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It’s good. One year down, three more to go. The first semester is about halfway done. After these three years, it’s off to med school.

 

 **Impala67:** How’s adam?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh he’s… okay I guess. I haven’t talked to him in a while.

 

 **Impala67:** Oh? How long has that been going on?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Since the end of May.

 

 **Impala67:** so… the last time we talked

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You made me realize that I didn’t really love Adam.

 

 **Impala67:** well then its probably for the best.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yeah, I suppose… I just wished it all unfolded differently.

 

 **Impala67:** yea hey I gotta go

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean please

 

 **Angel_Wings:** don’t go

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I didn’t mean to upset you

 

 **Impala67:** You didn’t. I have to leave for work.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean

_Impala67 is away._


	7. Missing

**January 16, 2007**

 

_Angel_Wings is online._

 

 **Sam52:** Castiel

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Sam? As in Sam Winchester?

 

 **Sam52:** Look, I didn’t want to make this account, but I didn’t know how else to get ahold of you. I knew Dean used to message you on this.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yeah. What do you need?

 

 **Sam52:** It’s Dean. He’s… gone. We don’t know where he went or anything like that. Do you know of anywhere he might be? Where he could have gone? Did he say anything?

 

_Message sent 6 minutes ago._

**Sam52:** Castiel?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Im here

 

 **Sam52:** Do you know of anything?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I

 

_Angel_Wings is away._


	8. His Angel Can't Save Him Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A change in format this chapter for... necessary reasons.

**January 18, 2007**

     The sun set in the west, its glorious visage reflected off the waters of the lake. A rickety old dock that had been there for at least three decades swayed back and forth in the gentle current, no longer anchored down. A man in a loose-fitting leather jacket stood on the edge of the dock. His green eyes stared solemnly at the fantastic array of colors splattered across the sky. Behind him, a wooden cabin was nestled beneath the trees. Wind rustled through the leaves—it was a northern wind and had a chilly bite to it. The leather jacket and the faded blue jeans he wore kept out some of the coldness, but his face had no protection. He narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. His vision blurred with tears—tears that he tried to tell himself were there because of the wind.

     But he knew why they were really there.

     His hand fingered the pistol that was attached to his hip. Jody had given it to him in his training, and Dean had been so excited to use it to fight crime—to put criminals in jail, to protect the innocent public. He never thought the first time he’d use the weapon would be to put a bullet in his head.

     Dean Winchester’s thoughts began to wander. He thought of his father, of Sam, of Bobby, of Jody, and, of course, of Castiel. Castiel. The blue-eyed angel that had walked into his life when he was eight-years-old. He had not seen Castiel since March of 2006. That was the last time he saw his angel’s face—almost a year ago. Castiel was one of the few things he wanted to live for, but also one of the things that made him feel the most pain.

     Losing Castiel when he went away to college was one of the worst things that ever happened to Dean. He still had Sammy, but even his beloved little brother was not enough to protect him from his demons. Only Castiel—his best friend who would stay up with Dean until the wee hours of the morning and listen to him talk about his problems—was the one who could help him. Castiel knew more about Dean than anyone. He knew about the darkness that lurked in Dean’s heart. He knew how Dean was dead inside, how John Winchester had killed him long ago. He knew that Dean hated himself and felt inadequate in everything he did. He knew that Dean was too afraid to ever admit these things to anyone except Cas. When Cas left, Dean’s world came crashing down around him.

     So much had happened since the end of his senior year. So many good and so many terrible things. Bela Talbot—the bitch who ruined his reputation in Lawrence. Castiel who left him for a college guy named Adam. Sam who was getting straight A’s. John Winchester who threatened to kill Dean when he took Sam away from him. Castiel was not there to listen to everything Dean had to say anymore. Castiel had his own problems.

     Dean took a chance when he told Castiel the truth—that he had loved him since they were eight years old, he took a big risk. Even though he did love him, Dean valued Castiel’s friendship entirely too much to potentially ruin it. But he took a gamble. And it paid off. Castiel came home. It was the best week Dean ever had. Castiel stayed at his apartment, shared his bed, gave him gentle kisses on the lips and the forehead. They went down to the cabin on the lake and made love on the beach in the moonlight, listening to the waves crashing against the sandy shore.

     Dean was so sure that his life was finally going right, and then it all fell apart. He messaged Castiel every day, but his angel never responded. Dean began to panic and he did some things he was not proud of. He stalked Castiel on social media, trying to find out what was up—if he still had a computer, if something had changed, if he was even still alive. Then he found it. The updated relationship status. It read: “IN A RELATIONSHIP.” At first, Dean felt butterflies in his stomach. He thought Castiel considered them to be more than friends; his computer probably crashed or he just didn’t have time to talk thanks to college. Then he found the pictures. The pictures of him and blond boy that didn’t look too different than Dean did. The captions of these pictures, posted by Castiel, read “Me and my boyfriend, Adam.”

     It crushed him.

     His world came crashing down around him.

     Castiel was truly gone, now he knew.

     Dean never let anyone know how much he was dying inside. He held his head high, put on a smile for Sammy, Bobby, and Jody. He tried to be a model citizen—he even started training to become a police officer. To an outsider, it would look like Dean Winchester’s life was going pretty good. They didn’t know how he cried himself to sleep at night. They didn’t know how he struggled with the urge to take the pistol out of the drawer in his nightstand and put a bullet in his brain.

     He didn’t know what was the final straw. For a while, he thought it was his last talk with Castiel—the way his angel had begged him not to go. He remembered watching Castiel’s words appear on his computer screen. He remembered laughing weakly and shaking his head. _So it looks like Castiel finally figured out who he loves,_ Dean had thought. _Too bad it’s too late._

     Dean took the gun out of his jacket and turned off the safety. He let out a shaky breath. All he could think of now was Sam. Sam would be okay. Sam was strong. Sam had a future. Sam was going to college to be a lawyer. He was going to marry a pretty girl. He was going to have a family of four and get a beer gut. He was going to be okay. He was going to be happy. Dean was never going to be happy.

     He pressed the gun’s barrel against the side of his head. His eyes watched the lake, the waves lapping against the shore where he and Castiel had made love just under a year ago. The last time he’d been here, he was so happy. Now all he wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up.

     Dean closed his eyes, his finger settling on the trigger. “I’m sorry, Sammy,” he whispered.

     “DEAN!”

     That voice. He knew that voice. Dean turned his back to the lake, not lowering the gun. He saw the man who both saved and ruined him running across the grass toward him. He wore a tan trench coat that billowed behind him. His spikey black hair was more mussed and untidy than usual. There were bags under his bright, blue eyes. The eyes themselves were red around the edges and filled with tears. “DEAN!” he shouted again, reaching the edge of the dock. “Don’t.”

     Dean shook his head, his finger tightening on the trigger. He stared at his angel—here to save him again. But it was too late. Castiel couldn’t save him this time. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

     “DEAN, NO!”

     He pulled the trigger.


	9. I Found Him

**January 18, 2007**

TEXT MESSAGES BETWEEN SAM WINCHESTER AND CASTIEL

**Castiel:** Sam I found him

 

 **Sam:** Oh thank god. Where is he? Is he ok?

 

 **Castiel:** No. He was at the cabin on the lake. He… well… there’s no easy way to say this. He tried to kill himself Sam

 

 **Sam:** WHAT

 

 **Castiel:** He’s at the University of Kansas Hospital. I was there when he did it. I tried to stop him. I managed to knock the gun away a little so the bullet didn’t touch his brain. It still hit him tho and cracked his skull. His brain’s fine though. I kept him alive until the ambulance got there.

 

 **Sam:** Castiel thank you. Thank you so much. Bobby Jody and I are on our way now

 

 **Castiel:** Don’t mention it Sam. It’s the least I can do. I mean it’s my fault

 

 **Sam:** What do you mean?

 

_Message was sent 7 minutes ago._

 

 **Sam:** CASTIEL


	10. Awake

**January 25, 2007**

 

     The first thing Dean was aware of when he woke was the pain in his head. It sharp and pulsating in his skull. It was at the top of his head, above his right ear and along most of his right temporal bone. His eyes were still closed, but he was conscious now. He could hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor. He heard the loudspeaker outside in the hall as nurses and doctors were paged. Dean didn’t want to open his eyes just yet due to the pain in his head, but he experimentally opened and closed his hands, flexing his fingers.

     His mind went back to the last thing he remembered—the lake, the gun, Castiel. He tried to kill himself. And failed. The constant pain that had been festering in his chest was gone. He felt no emotional pain. He felt nothing except the white-hot pain in his head.

     Dean opened his eyes. At first, his vision was blurry, but it slowly focused. The first thing he saw was an older man with a beard and a blue baseball cap sitting in the chair across from his bed. The man’s head was slumped to the side and his eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell slowly, indicating he was asleep. Dean blinked a few times before turning his head to look around the room. He saw his Sammy, sitting in the chair next to the bed. He head was resting on the side of Dean’s hospital bed. His hand was on Dean’s arm, gripping it as though he were afraid that if he let go, Dean would disappear. A sharp, piercing agony arose in Dean’s chest, as though he had just been stabbed. How could he do this to Sam? How could he do this to Bobby? How stupid could he be?

     He brought his other hand over to rest on top of Sam’s. His thumb stroked the back of his brother’s hand as Dean tried to blink away tears. Under his breath, he began to sing the song his mother always used to sing for him. “ _Hey Jude. Don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better._ ”

     Just as he finished the song’s opening lines, the door to his room opened. Dean’s immediately tightened his grip on Sam protectively. Even as he laid in a hospital bed with a hole in the side of his head, the urge to protect his little brother dominated all else. However, the figure he saw standing in the door was not the one he expected to see.

     Dean’s mouth went dry and it suddenly became difficult to speak. However, the name passed his lips with a soft agony. “Cas.”

     Castiel stood there, wearing the same outfit had on when Dean shot himself. The twenty-year-old boy looked even more haggard than he had at the lake. Dean didn’t know how many days he’d been unconscious, but by the look of Cas, he guessed it was a while. A patchy beard was growing on his best friend’s face and neck. The bags under his eyes were grayer than before and his hair was greasy from not being washed. Dean also thought he looked smaller, like he hadn’t been eating. And yet, seeing him again, Dean couldn’t help but feel almost like a giddy child. Castiel was alive. He was okay. And he was _here_. Whether Castiel was the cause of his pain or not, he was still one of Dean’s main reasons to stay alive.

     “Damn, you look worse than I do,” Dean joked in a hoarse voice.

     A faint smile spread across Castiel’s face. “Hello, Dean.”

     His heart tightened at those familiar words. Castiel’s deep, husky voice made them all the more reassuring. Dean closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the way they sounded. “Hey, Cas.”

     He opened his eyes as Castiel made his way across the room and slid into the chair next to Sam. Both men kept their voices low, barely above whispers, so they would not disturb Bobby or Sam. “How are you feeling?”

     Dean forced a grin. “Feels like I’ve been hit by a sledgehammer. In the head.”

     Cas didn’t smile that time. Instead, he grew pensive and uncomfortable. “Why did you do it, Dean?”

     The green-eyed man didn’t answer for the longest time. “I…” He tried to think. He tried to think of not just a reason, but a _good enough_ reason. He found none. “I just felt… I didn’t want to live anymore. There was so much pain. So much stress. So much heartache.”

     “I’m sorry,” his angel immediately said. His voice came out half-strangled with emotion and forced Dean to look at him. He saw the tears in his friend’s eyes and felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Castiel bit his lip, avoiding Dean’s gaze. Tears began to roll down his cheeks from his reddening eyes. “I’m so fucking sorry, Dean. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault!” His voice turned into a mangled sob as he gripped the side of the bed for support.

     Dean let go of Sam and reached out, grabbing Castiel’s hand. “Cas,” he said in a low, gentle voice. “Cas!” he hissed again when he continued to cry. The blue-eyed man gave him a painful look. “You have to keep quiet,” Dean told him. “You’ll wake the others and I don’t want to have that conversation yet.”

     Castiel wiped at his eyes with his free hand. The other hand squeezed Dean’s for dear life. “I’m sorry,” he apologized again in a whisper. “If I had just… If I wasn’t so stupid.”

     “Don’t,” Dean nearly growled. “Don’t start… Don’t say that. Don’t blame yourself. _I_ did it, Cas, not you.”

     “Dean?” a faint voice asked. Dean turned to see Sam rubbing his eyes. Dean let go of Castiel’s hand, focusing solely on his brother now.

     “It’s okay, Sammy,” he said softly, taking his brother’s hand again. “I’m here.”

     Sam stared at him for a moment, his eyes watering. For a moment, Dean thought his little brother might burst into tears. What he did not expect was the sudden hand that came flying at his face. Sam’s fist collided with Dean’s jaw with so much force, Dean nearly fell out of the hospital bed.

     “SAM!” Castiel shouted, grabbing the younger boy by the shoulders to hold him back. “SAM STOP! HE TOOK A BULLET TO THE HEAD, YOU CAN’T JUST PUNCH HIM!”

By now, Bobby was awake and was rushing over to Sam to see what the problem was. Dean was slowly trying to sit upright in his bed again. His head was pounding. Pain was rolling over him in waves, each one larger and more painful than the last. They brought tears to his eyes. Dean bit his lip until it bled to keep in a scream. Sam’s punch, while it had hit him in the jaw, was so forceful his entire head hurt now. Dean’s vision began to fade to black.

     The last thing he heard before he passed out was Castiel’s screams. “DEAN! DEAN, DON’T GO! DEAN STAY WITH ME! DEAN!”


	11. It's Not Anyone's Fault

**March 17, 2007**

 

_Impala67 is online_.

 

**Angel_Wings:** Hello, Dean.

 

**Impala67:** Hey cas.

 

**Angel_Wings:** How’re you doing?

 

**Impala67:** better

 

**Angel_Wings:** That’s good.

 

**Impala67:** yea bobby is making me go to this support group. its been helping a lot with some other stuff

 

**Angel_Wings:** I’m glad, Dean. How is Sam?

 

**Impala67:** Hes alright. still pissed at me for trying to kill myself though. Every now and then my jaw still hurts from that punch.

 

**Angel_Wings:** This summer, I’m gonna come home, okay?

 

**Impala67:** ok cas. i cant wait to see you

 

**Angel_Wings:** Me either Dean.

 

**Angel_Wings:** Dean, I’m so sorry.

 

**Impala67:** please don’t cas

 

**Angel_Wings:** But I am. It’s my fault.

 

**Impala67:** cas we cant control who we love. if you love adam thn you love adam. if you love me then you love me. if ive learned anything its that you cant control who you want to be with or who you yearn for. its not your fault that I love you.

 

**Angel_Wings:** But I do love you, Dean. I did love you for a long time. I… I liked Adam too, but I didn’t realize what I felt for you until it was too late.

 

**Impala67:** I know cas. It’s okay. Really.

 

**Angel_Wings:** I’m going to make it up to you, Dean. I’m never going to leave your side.

 

_Message sent 8 minutes ago._

 

**Impala67:** cas look. A lot of shit has gone down between us over the past two years. Some of it was really good. Some of it was… well… bad. The point is i dont know if i want to be with you anymore.

 

_Message sent 6 minutes ago._

 

**Angel_Wings:** You

 

**Angel_Wings:** you don’t love me?

 

**Impala67:** its not that cas. I just dont think we’re healthy. as much as I want to be with you, after everything thats happened, idk if I can

 

**Angel_Wings:** Dean…

 

**Impala67:** im sorry

 

_Impala67 is away._


	12. The Biggest Misunderstanding of All

**April 26, 2008**

 

 _Impala67 is online_.

 

_Sam52 is online._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello, Sam.

**Sam52:** Oh hey cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How is Dean?

 

 **Sam52:** Why don’t you ask him yourself? He’s online

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yeah..

 

 **Sam52:** I take it things aren’t ok between you two?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Not… not particularly, no.

 

 **Sam52:** Well, to be honest, Dean is not okay. He’s scaring the hell out of me. Bobby still is making him go to that support group. But I keep finding knives in his room. I’m afraid he might do something again.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** How can I help?

 

 **Sam52:** I don’t think you can. Every time I ask about you or mention you, he gets all quiet and doesn’t answer me.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I haven’t talked to him in a year.

 

 **Sam52:** I think that hearing from you might help him. Don’t talk about the past. Just try to cheer him up. Just talk about silly things like you two used to do in high school. Remind him of the GOOD times not the bad.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I don’t know. Maybe that’ll work. I’m scared.

 

 **Sam 52:** He’ll either reply or he won’t.

 

 

     Castiel closed out of his chat window with Sam and clicked on Dean’s username. The chat box opened and Castiel timidly typed in a message.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** hey cas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Do you still have your cat?

 

 **Impala67:** pfft its not mine

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Sure it’s not. Where is she right now?

 

 **Impala67:** doesn’t matter

 

 **Angel_Wings:** She’s in the room with you, isn’t she?

 

 **Impala67:** she likes my sock drawer

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Maybe she just likes you.

 

 **Impala67:** Maybe. How’s Yale?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Okay. Almost at the end of my junior year. Then I have one more, then off to med school.

 

 **Impala67:** Good for you cas. I’m glad. Really.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Are you still training to be a police officer? I mean, I figured you were, but we haven’t talked in a year or so.

 

 **Impala67:** um yea not really

 

 **Angel_Wings:** What, why?

 

 **Impala67:** well the force doesnt really want a man who is mentally unstable to have a gun

 

 **Angel_Wings:** oh

 

 **Impala67:** Yeah. So im working at a local grocery store as a stock boy

 

 **Angel_Wings:** well does it pay well?

 

 **Impala67:** not really

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Do you ever see anyone from school?

 

 **Impala67:** Yeah. Bela Talbot is back in town. Shes living in the apartment below ours

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Bela… as in… THAT bela

 

 **Impala67:** yeah. THAT bela.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Has she said anything?

 

 **Impala67:** She said hi. Talked to me for a bit when I came home from work one day. She was just leaving her apartment and we bumped into each other. She was… nice enough

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well at least she’s not starting anything

 

 **Impala67:** yet

 

 **Angel_Wings:** True. If you want I can write her a strongly worded email.

 

 **Impala67:** Cas, you know… there are parts of you I hope never change. This is one of them XD

 

 **Angel_Wings:** XD? What does XD? Mean. The letters X and D combined do not make a word. There’s not even a vowel in there.

 

 **Impala67:** its a laughing face as in dying of laughter?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh. It’s a very strange emoticon.

 

 **Impala67:** I guess it is.

 

 **Impala67:** Hey cas?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Yes, Dean?”

 

 **Impala67:** Are you coming home for summer break?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I was planning to. Why?

 

 **Impala67:** I… I kind of want to see you. I think we should hang out. As friends.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Okay, Dean… I like that idea.

 

 **Impala67:** Okay, cool.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’m excited to see you, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** Oh, and when you come, you can meet Lisa.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Lisa?

 

 **Impala67:** She works at the grocery store with me… We’re… kind of a thing now.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Oh

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well, I’m glad for you, Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** thanks. Shes helped me through a lot of shit after… well… you know

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Good.

 

 **Impala67:** Well, I need to get to work soon.

 

     Cas stared at the message on his computer screen. He felt sick to his stomach. He felt like he was going to throw up right there on his keyboard. Dean had moved on—found someone else. Cas kicked himself in the teeth; he knew Dean had every right to move on, especially after everything Cas had put him through. Cas was in the wrong here. Cas was the reason everything was ruined between them. Dean had been willing to do anything for him, and Cas was too caught up in everything else to notice.

     Tears welled in his eyes and his breaths began to come in rapid gasps as panic set in. He felt that if Dean left in that moment, Cas would never see him again. Whatever connection they had—that friendship and that bond that lasted since they were kids—would die. His fingers were shaking as he typed out a message.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Don’t go.

 

     He stared at the words until they went blurry thanks to his tears. They streamed down his face now and a sob was building in his chest. But his roommate next to him was asleep. Cas couldn’t make a sound now. He had to be quiet. His pinky hovered over the ENTER button, but his courage failed him. He deleted the message and typed another.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I miss you.

 

     That didn’t work either.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I love you, Dean Winchester.

 

     Cas closed his laptop, shaking. He got up from his desk in his dorm room and grabbed his tan trench coat. Slipping out of the room, Cas left the dorm and jogged to the parking garage. He got in his car and he began to drive, heaving sobs before he was even out of the building.

     If only Cas had known that on the other end, Dean Winchester had been struggling with what to send too. Only Dean’s courage hadn’t failed him. Dean had sent his message just as Cas closed his laptop.

 

 **Impala67:** Cas, even if Lisa and I have gone out a few times, that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I was trying something new just to try it. She’s going to be my friend whether we turn into a steady couple or not. Either way, that doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. I DO miss you, Cas. Even after all this time, I never stopped loving you. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t love you anymore. I just… I want you to know that no matter what happens. I told you that I don’t think we should see each other anymore because… because I love you TOO much. If I lost you again… Damn it, Cas, I don’t know what I’d do.

 

     But as soon as Dean sent this message, he got the notification that made his heart sink.

 

_Angel_Wings is away._


	13. The Novaks Emerge

**May 2, 2008**

 

_Impala67 is online._

_Lollipop69 is online._

 

 **Lollipop69:** Hey Deano.

 

 **Impala67:** um who is this

 

 **Lollipop69:** Im surprised, Dean. I expected better from you. Come on. Read the username. Use your common sense.

 

 **Impala67:** Gabriel?

 

 **Lollipop69:** Bingo

 

 **Impala67:** ok well why are you messaging me

 

 **Lollipop69:** Your brother’s busy. It is his birthday after all

 

 **Impala67:** WHAT

**Lollipop69:** Sam never told you?

 

 **Impala67:** Told me what exactly

 

 **Lollipop69:** Well we’ve been talking since you and cassie graduated

 

 **Impala67:** what

 

 **Lollipop69:** Yeah Deano. Why do you think Samsquatch is always so eager to get on his computer?

 

 **Impala67:** oh god

 

 **Lollipop69:** Did you know what kind of a mind your brother has? The things he types! He really knows how to make a guy pitch a tent in his pants if you know what I mean. ;)

 

 **Impala67:** OH MY GOD STOP

 

 **Impala67:** I know Sam is a hormonal teenage boy that is going to have… needs but that doesn’t mean i want to HEAR ABOUT IT

 

 **Lollipop69:** Well lucky for you bucko, that’s not why I’m messaging you

 

 **Impala67:** why then

 

 **Lollipop69:** It’s bout my lil brother cassie of course

 

 **Impala67:** he hasn’t been on in a few days. I think I scared him off

 

 **Lollipop69:** well you see, we can’t find him

 

 **Impala67:** What?

 

 **Lollipop69:** Michael says we shouldn’t worry, he’ll turn up and he probably just went on a little stress-relieving vacation. Luci is not entirely convinced and I’m with him. We’re starting to get worried.

 

 **Impala67:** I don’t know anything about where he could go.

 

 **Lollipop69:** Hm. I figured as much but Luci thought I should ask.

 

 **Impala67:** Luci?

 

 **Lollipop69:** Yeah Luci adores cassie. He’s really worried I think but wont show it. just let me know if you hear anything yea?

 

 **Impala67:** yeah of course

 

LATER THAT EVENING…

 

 _Sam52_ _is online._

 

 **Fallen_From_Grace:** Sam Winchester

 

 **Sam52:** Do I know you?

 

 **Fallen_From_Grace:** Not really, but I know you. My little brother won’t shut up about it. Happy birthday, by the way.

 

 **Sam52:** Um, thanks… Lucifer, right?

 

 **Fallen_From_Grace:** Yes. Now I have a very important question for you, Sam Winchester and I know you know the answer. Don’t lie to me, Sam. I don’t like liars.

 

 **Sam52:** Okay…

 

 **Fallen_From_Grace:** Where is my little brother?

 

 **Sam52:** I don’t know.

 

 **Fallen_From_Grace:** Sam, what did I just tell you?

 

 **Sam52:** Lucifer, I really don’t know!  


**Fallen_From_Grace:** No, I know you do. I know Castiel wants to be alone, but I need to know where he is so I can get some sleep. I will ask you this one more time, Sam. Where is Castiel?


	14. Sammy Organizes a Meeting

**May 4, 2008**

 

     Sam Winchester stole Dean’s Impala for the day, not bothering to inform his brother of the decision. He had just turned sixteen two days earlier and he could now go find Castiel. Sam knew the general area where Cas was, but as for the specific location, he was uncertain.

     He pulled into the parking lot of the local diner, Harvelle’s. Sam pulled out his cell phone and sent the angel a text.

 

 **Sam:** Castiel Im at the diner

 

 **Castiel:** Okay, window seat at the back. Dean isn’t with you, right?

 

 **Sam:** No, Im alone like I promised

 

     He put his phone back in his pocket and exited the Impala. Sam entered the diner, the bells above the door jingling at his entry. A petite blond behind the counter looked up and shot him a warm smile. “Hey, Sam,” Jo Harvelle said. Her brown eyes seemed to look over his shoulder, though, as if she were expecting someone else. “No Dean today?”

     Sam shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Oh, no… I… I came here alone.” His eyes scanned the diner and found Castiel just where the older boy had said he would be. “Excuse me,” he said to Jo with a quick grin. Sam went over and slid into the booth across from his brother’s best friend.

     “Hello, Sam,” Castiel said. The first thing Sam noticed was how exhausted he looked. He had gray bags under his eyes. His hair was greasy. His trench coat was splattered with mud and more wrinkled than usual. Stubble was growing on his lower cheeks, chin, and beneath his nose. He looked similar to how he did after Dean had tried to kill himself—Castiel hadn’t showered or eaten then either. Sam suspected the same had been going on, but for a longer period of time.

     “Hey, Cas,” Sam said, struggling to keep his voice level. He began to shift awkwardly then. “Lucifer… Lucifer seems to know that I know where you are.”

     Castiel nodded. “He probably found a way to hack into my phone messages,” the raven-haired boy mused.

     Jo came over, carrying two menus and set them down. “Can I get you two anything to drink?”

     “Um, water for me,” Sam told her.

     Cas thought for a moment before licking his lips. “Do you… have iced tea?”    

     Jo nodded, which made Cas smile. “Okay, I’ll have that then.” The blonde took note before disappearing to get their beverages.

     Sam took the moment to study how gaunt Castiel was. “When was the last time you ate?”

     Castiel didn’t reply.

     “Well, you’re gonna eat something today,” Sam decided, opening up his own menu.

     “I…” Castiel paused, his pale face growing a little red. “I can’t eat, Sam…”

     “I’ll pay for it if that’s the problem,” Sam offered. He’d earned up a little money doing chores around the house for Dean. “Eat up, Cas. You need your strength.”

     Castiel shook his head. “No… I can’t.”

     “Why?”

     It was then that Sam noticed the tears in Castiel’s eyes. They were bloodshot and now full of tears. “I… I don’t deserve to eat,” he choked out in a whisper.

     Sam looked around to see if anyone noticed Castiel’s breakdown before reaching across the table and taking his friend’s hand. “Cas,” he said in a low voice, trying to sound as soothing as he possibly could. “Yes, you do. Starving yourself is not going to help anyone. It’s not going to change the past.”

     Castiel wiped at his eyes as the tears began to flow. “After everything I’ve done to Dean…”

     Beneath the table, Sam pulled out his phone. “Cas, if you don’t eat, you’ll starve,” he pointed out the obvious as he began to text.

 

 **Sam:** Dean where r u

 

 **Dean:** The house. Just woke up. Y

 

 **Sam:** I’m at Harvelle’s. I took the car.

 

 **Dean:** YOU DID WHAT

 

 **Sam:** I’m 16 Dean. Anyway get your butt over here in 5

 

 **Dean:** And how the hell am I supposed to do that with no car?????

 

 **Sam:** Hitch a ride idk just hurry up

 

     Jo returned after a few minutes, and Sam ordered the biggest breakfast they had complete with pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast, intending all of it to go to Cas. Cas ordered a cup of coffee. When Jo trotted off to the kitchen, Sam sighed. “Cas… Dean has been really worried about you. He didn’t even know you had disappeared until two days ago. Up until then, he thought you were ignoring him. When I got your texts after you ran away, I didn’t tell him because you made me promise not to, but… You should have seen him. He thought you hated him.”

     Cas looked confused then, his brow furrowing. “Hated him? Why would I hate him?”

     Sam arched an eyebrow. “Because you two were talking and then Dean said he sent you this giant paragraph about how he still loves you and a bunch of touchy-feels-y stuff and then you logged off.”

     The raven-haired boy looked green.

     “Cas?” Sam asked when he didn’t respond. “You okay?”

     The door of the diner opened with a loud jingle. Sam’s eyes pried themselves off Cas to see his brother waltz into the diner. Dean looked around before seeing Sam sitting in the corner. However, when he recognized the person sitting across from his baby brother, her froze. Sam had never seen his brother grow so white before.  

     Sam bit his lip wondering if this had been a good idea or not. Well, he was going to find out.


	15. Everything Clears Up

**May 4, 2008**

 

     “Cas?” Dean’s voice was strained. The raven-haired boy did not miss it as he stared at the boy he was completely in love with. He forced himself to meet Dean’s eyes.

     “Hello, Dean.” His voice was soft, almost fearful. He didn’t meet the Winchester’s eyes.

     Dean sat down next to Sam, practically shoving his little brother against the opposite side of the booth. “Where the hell have you been?” Dean demanded sharply. “Don’t you realize how worried your brothers have been? Freakin’ Gabriel messaged me trying to find out information about where you went! I thought you went… well… like how I was at the lake! I had no idea where you were, and you were _in town_ the whole time?! With my brother?!”

     Cas flinched at Dean’s words. “I’m sorry… I had to get away. I had to go.”

     “Why?” Dean snarled. “Because I scared you away? You saw my message and you couldn’t take it?! You don’t wanna see me anymore?”

     “NO!” Cas shouted, earning alarmed looks from the other customers in the diner. He looked around before lowering his voice. “No. I left because I didn’t want to hear about you and this… Lisa chick anymore. After everything we’ve been through—I know you don’t wanna be with me anymore, but… to just… to _drop_ that information on me and then say you have to leave? To tell me you’ve found someone else who _fixed_ the wounds _I_ left?!” Castiel trailed off, unable to form coherent words anymore. His eyes were filled with tears and his breathing was coming rapid gasps. He bit his lip hard, drawing blood, in order to keep in a wail of agony. Why didn’t Dean understand? Why couldn’t Dean see how much it hurt Cas to know that there was someone else _better_ than him?

     Dean blinked once, confused. “You… You didn’t get my other message?” he asked in bewilderment.

     Cas looked up at Dean through his tears. “Other message? What?”

     The older Winchester paled. “I… I sent you this big long message explaining all that… but… right after it sent and it said that you saw it, you logged off. I thought… I thought you… you didn’t want to hear it. You didn’t feel that way about me.”

     Completely alert now, Castiel stared at Dean with a fire in his blue eyes. “What did the message say?” he demanded.

     Dean wet his lips and looked down at the table. He heaved a sigh before repeating the contents of the message almost word for word—he had read it over and over again before sending it. He knew it almost by heart. After Castiel had logged off, he kept reading it to see what had been in it that would have chased him away. “Cas, even if Lisa and I have gone out a few times, that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I was trying something new just to try it. She’s going to be my friend whether we turn into a steady couple or not. Either way, that doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. I DO miss you, Cas. Even after all this time, I never stopped loving you. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t love you anymore. I just… I want you to know that no matter what happens. I told you that I don’t think we should see each other anymore because… because I love you TOO much. If I lost you again… Damn it, Cas, I don’t know what I’d do.”

     No one spoke for the longest time after Dean recited those words. Sam looked back and forth wildly between the two men, trying to gage Castiel’s reaction and trying to see what emotions were lurking behind Dean’s careful façade.

     After almost a minute of silence, Castiel stood up. The moment Dean saw movement from Cas, he got to his feet too. Only Sam remained sitting, staring at the two of them as they stood in front of the table, outside the booth now. Green eyes stared into blue. There was no malice, no sense of betrayal, no grudge… All that was there in both their eyes was that unconditional love that each man shared for the other. As if a silent agreement had been made, they both leaned forward in unison. Their lips locked together, softly at first. Dean’s arms wrapped around the smaller man’s waist. Castiel’s fingers moved up and tangled in Dean’s hair.

     They stayed like that for a while. Sam watched, feeling as though a large weight had been lifted from his shoulders. _It’s about damn time._


	16. The Brothers Are Not Amused

**May 16, 2008**

 

 _Angel_Wings is online_.

 

 **Lollipop69:** Castiel Novak.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hi Gabe

 

 **Lollipop69:** Would you like to tell me where IN GOD’S NAME HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well… funny story

 

 **Lollipop69:** Where are you cassie? Luci and I are coming to get you right now

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You don’t have to. It’s okay.

 

 **Lollipop69:** CASTIEL THIS IS LUCIFER IF YOU DON’T TELL US WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE, I WILL PERSONALLY BEAT YOU INTO THE GROUND WHEN I DO FIND YOU. THAT’S NOT A THREAT, THAT’S A PROMISE.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hi Lucifer… Look I’m in Lawrence.

 

 **Lollipop69:** Lawrence? As in LAWRENCE, KANSAS?

**Angel_Wings:** Yes.

 

 **Lollipop69:** And WHAT are you doing there?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It’s a long story, but don’t worry about it. I’m alright. I’m staying with Sam and Dean in their apartment. I have been since about two weeks ago.

 

 **Lollipop69:** So what you’re saying is

 

 **Lollipop69:** YOU LEFT US TO GO STAY WITH YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND

 

 **Lollipop69:** DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO GIVE US A HEADSUP

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It didn’t go like that. I ran away from school because I was… well… depressed. Then I met up with Dean, kinda by accident and now I’m staying with him.

 

 **Lollipop69:** Well at least tell me you’re getting laid

 

 **Lollipop69:** THAT was Gabriel, not Lucifer. I have no interest as to whether or not you are getting any. Please don’t answer that question.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Uhhhhh wasn’t going to.

 

 **Lollipop69:** When will you be home?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Idk. Maybe never.

 

 **Lollipop69:** But what about school? You got a FREE RIDE, CASSIE. Do you know what I would give to have that opportunity? And you’re just gonna throw it away on Dean Winchester?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I’ll start up again next year.

 

 **Lollipop69:** But you’ll fail the second half of your second semester, Cas. They might not uphold the scholarship.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Well I’ll deal with that when I get to it.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Luci

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Gabe

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I just found MY Dean again

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I am not going to risk losing him again for anything.

 

_Angel_Wings is offline._


	17. I Can't Live Without You

**July 10, 2008**

 

     Dean and Cas sat side-by-side as the sun dipped below the horizon. They were each in their signature clothing—Dean’s old, faded leather jacket, and Castiel’s ratty, tan trench coat. The Winchester had his arm around his angel, and the soft-spoken, blue-eyed man was leaning into him a little. Cas let out a small sigh of contentment as he watched the sunset. A year ago, he would have been certain that this day would never come—he would never be sitting next to Dean Winchester, as his boyfriend, watching the freaking sunset. But here he was.

     A lot of shit had gone down between the two boys—they weren’t exactly boys anymore. They were both twenty-one now—practically men. They’d done a lot of growing up in the past three years, after all. A lot of self-discovery. A lot of heartache. But a lot of good too.

     Cas snuggled into the crook of Dean’s neck, enjoying the earthy smell that was Dean Winchester. He heard his love let out a small chuckle that vibrated his chest. Cas grinned and pressed a chaste kiss to Dean’s jaw.

     “I love you,” Dean whispered. He didn’t need to shout or tell the whole world. This was something between him and Cas—something that both of them had known for a very long time but neither had been brave enough to say it.

     The blue-eyed angel kissed Dean’s neck again. “I love you too, Dean.”

     Dean Winchester let out a small laugh and then pressed his lips to Castiel’s forehead. “You know, I never thought I’d ever hear you say those words.”

     “I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say them either,” Cas confessed quietly.

     There was a period of happy silence as the two lovebirds simply sat and cherished the other’s company. Then, Castiel heaved a sigh. “In a month, I have to go back to school.”

     Silence followed. “I don’t wanna leave, but I have to go,” he explained. “I need to finish college and then… Then we can… well… do whatever you want to do.”

     Dean sighed, but nodded. “I don’t like it… but I understand. You need to finish school. Someone’s gotta help me support Sammy.”

     Cas grinned a little. “Of course I will.”

     Without warning, the Dean got to his feet. Castiel watched him curiously as the Winchester walked down toward the lake shore. He figured that he should follow, and did just that. With a few quick strides, he caught up to Dean, who was now on the beach. “Do you remember when we came here a few summers ago?” he asked, a faint smile ghosting across his face.

     Castiel felt himself blushing. How could he ever forget that? It was the best night of his life—the first night he ever made love to someone… and that someone happened to be Dean Winchester, the man of his dreams. “Of course, Dean.”

     “I invited you out here because…” Dean paused, biting his lip. It was rare that Dean seemed to be nervous or lost for words… but when he was, it was usually when Cas was around. “I… Phew!” Castiel watched, slightly amused as Dean wiped a bead of sweat off his brow.

     “Dean…” Cas said, smiling like an idiot. “You okay?”

     “Yeah… Shut up,” he grumbled under his breath. “And don’t fucking laugh at me.”

     That made him chuckle, but when he saw Dean’s death glare, he looked away, biting his lip. “Okay, okay, I promise I won’t laugh.”

     Dean rolled his eyes. “Okay, yeah, sure Columbo.” He took a deep breath before reaching into his pocket.

     Castiel’s heart stopped.

     When Dean removed his hand, it held a tiny black, velvet box. “Castiel Novak,” he said in a shaky voice. Before Cas could even comprehend what was happening, Dean was on one knee. “I… I don’t have much to offer you. I’m poor. I’m kind of a shitty guy. I’ve been a total dick to you in the past… And… well… Yeah, there aren’t a lot of pros to sticking by my side but… I know that by knowing you, by being your friend and… more than that, I’ve become a better person. You bring out the best in me when you’re around… and when you’re gone… I become someone I never want to be ever again. I… I had to find out for myself how much I needed you… and you needed to do the same. We did that, and… I think we both, on some level, agree that we need each other. I just…” he trailed off and opened the box, revealing a smooth, silver band. “Castiel Novak, will you marry me?” Before he could even give an answer, Dean continued to ramble. “I mean, you don’t to. I completely understand if you don’t want to. I—”

     Castiel knelt down so he was on level with Dean. Green eyes stared anxiously into blue. “Dean Winchester,” Castiel said softly, his face just inches from Dean’s. “I would be honored to be your husband.”

     Both men broke out into smiles and their lips met with feverish passion.


	18. Get Ready for a Wedding

**July 10, 2008**

TEXT MESSAGES BETWEEN SAM AND DEAN WINCHESTER

 

 **Dean:** Sammy he said yes

 

 **Sam:** YES! Gabe totally owes me 50 bucks!

 

 **Dean:** Sam

 

 **Dean:** Plz tell me you aren’t fucking Gabriel

 

_Message read 6 minutes ago._

 

 **Dean:** DAMMIT SAM

 

TEXT MESSAGES BETWEEN CASTIEL AND GABRIEL

 

 **Castiel:** Gabe, Dean just proposed to me and I said yes

 

 **Gabriel:** Fuck

 

 **Gabriel:** Seriously?

 

 **Castiel:** Is something wrong?

 

 **Gabriel:** I owe Sam $50

 

 **Gabriel:** Cas this is Lucifer. Ignore Gabe. Congrats. You deserve this, brother. Really.

 

 **Castiel:** Thank you, Lucifer

 

TEXT MESSAGES BETWEEN SAM WINCHESTER AND BOBBY SINGER

 

 **Sam:** Dean did it

 

 **Bobby:** Did what?

 

 **Sam:** You know what.

 

 **Bobby:** And?

 

 **Sam:** He said yes

 

 **Bobby:** About damn time

 

 **Bobby:** Idjits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo! Chapter 18. Two more chapters and then this is officially complete. This is also gonna be my first finished fanfic on this website! :D
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reads for sticking with me this far. I really do appreciate it. <3


	19. Finally

**July 10, 2009**

 

     A year. They had to wait a year. Castiel had one more year of college to get under his belt and then, then it was finally time.

     Castiel Novak was going to become Castiel Winchester.

     It had been a little debate of who was going to take whose last name. Castiel loved the idea of becoming a Winchester—it sounded better than Dean Novak, and Dean was the one who did the proposing, which made it apt. Dean felt bad since he loved the name Castiel Novak, although he would later admit that there was something about the sound of Castiel Winchester that made him feel proud and aroused all at once.

     Castiel just shook his head at Dean’s comments.

     They decided to get married on July 10, 2009. It was exactly one year after the original proposal. Neither of them could stand to wait any longer, but they couldn’t go any earlier due to Castiel’s schooling and having the family fly in. All of Castiel’s obscure or strange relatives showed up—some of them Castiel didn’t even know. Michael, Balthazar, Gadreel, Anna, Uriel, Metatron, Zachariah, Naomi, Samandriel, and Hannah all showed up. Dean didn’t have too many family members. His dad, to everyone’s surprise, showed up and didn’t say a single negative comment throughout the entire affair. When asked why he showed up, he scoffed and said “I wasn’t gonna miss my own damn son’s wedding… regardless of _who_ he’ marrying.” Some of Dean’s friends from high school and work showed up including Crowley MacLeod and Benny Lafitte. Castiel remembered them vaguely from high school. Then there was this one dude named Garth Fitzgerald that Dean introduced to him. Garth was a strange man, but Castiel couldn’t help but like his uniqueness. There was just something so… likeable about him.

     The ceremony went as smoothly as it could go. Dean and Castiel decided they didn’t want a huge wedding and, since they were two men, it wasn’t exactly what most people in Lawrence considered orthodox. They had it at the court house and only a few people were present including Sam, Bobby, Gabriel, and Lucifer. After the documents were signed and they were declared a married couple, they went back to Bobby’s house where all the guests were gathered.

     They got drunk on cheap whiskey and beer, danced to whatever old records they could find in Bobby’s house, and partied until the sun went down.

     As twilight set in, Dean kissed Castiel on the lips. “Entertain our guests while I go get Baby,” he instructed. At first, Castiel was confused by this request. Then, he realized that even though they didn’t have a traditional wedding, a honeymoon was still in order. He was glad Dean thought about that part of the affair because he hadn’t. He had been too busy making sure the party was organized and everyone was invited that needed to be.

     Everyone saw the newlyweds off as Castiel climbed into the passenger seat of Baby. They waved as they pulled out of Bobby Singer’s driveway and headed off down the road. Castiel stared out the window contentedly, watching the trees whip by. Dean’s hand was linked with his the whole time.

     The ride was fairly short, and it didn’t take long for Castiel to realize where Dean was taking him. They pulled down the long, gravel road that led to their cabin on the lake. Castiel found himself smiling, and his grip on Dean’s hand tightened. He had so many fond memories of this lake… and a few bad ones. But the good outweighed the bad. As long as Castiel was still alive, he was going to make sure that those bad times never happened again.

     Dean got out of the car and grabbed their bags. He carried them up the porch and set them down inside while Castiel walked down to the lake shore. Along the way, he slipped off his shoes and socks. His trench coat—yes he wore it to the wedding—was next. He made sure to fold it before dropping it on the cool grass. Then came his dress shirt and tie. The night was warm, but not humid. It was a pleasant temperature. A cool, night breeze felt good on his bare chest. His hands went down and he undid his belt, fully intent on jumping into the lake as soon as possible. As he removed his pants, he heard Dean come up beside him. His husband—Castiel still felt high with euphoria to call him that—was already shirtless and taking off his own trousers.

     “Shit, Cas,” Dean commented, admiring his slender figure. “You’re even sexier than I remember.”      Castiel rolled his eyes at the comment before looking down at his boxers. He grinned to himself before shucking them too. He could feel Dean’s eyes boring into him as he made his way to the wooden dock that stretched out over the water. Castiel walked to the very end and smiled at the full moon which was reflected in the clear, still water. He was glad the lake was secluded—he and Dean had it all to themselves.

     He had little time to revel in the peacefulness of the evening however, for he was suddenly shoved off the edge of the dock and into the water. When Castiel breached the surface, he saw a naked Dean, doubled over and laughing.

     Castiel swam to the edge of the dock and lifted a hand up. “At least help me out, dick,” he grumbled.

     Dean chuckled, knowing what Castiel was going to do. He took the bait anyway, grabbing onto his husband’s hand. With a mischievous grin, Castiel yanked Dean off the dock and into the water with him.

     This time, when the Winchester came up for air, it was Castiel’s turned to laugh. “I can’t believe you fell for that!”

     Dean rolled his eyes, swimming closer. He gathered up the smaller man in his muscular arms and held him close. “I knew what you were up to—you’re just too cute to say no to.”

     “Mmm-hmm,” Castiel teased, pressing a gentle kiss to the tip of Dean’s nose. “Sure you do.”

     The two laughed at their own silliness before Dean silenced their laughter with a kiss. Their giggles turned into moans as Castiel laced his arms around Dean’s neck. As their kisses turned into something more, Castiel was flooded with emotions. This wasn’t just Dean Winchester anymore—this was his _husband_.

     _Husband_ , Castiel thought, smiling between the kisses. _Finally._


	20. Happiness

**September 25, 2010**

_Impala67 is online._

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Hello Dean

 

 **Impala67:** hey you how’s LA?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** It’s okay. I really hate going to these stupid conferences though. I miss you.

 

 **Impala67:** I miss you too cas. so does bumblebee

 

 **Angel_Wings:** aww how is that cat that totally isn’t yours

 

 **Impala67:** yea yea shut up

 

 **Angel_Wings:** You’re cute

 

 **Impala67:** You’re cute

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Only two more days and then I’ll be home. I can’t wait.

 

 **Impala67:** I bet you can’t

 

 **Impala67:** Cuz when you get back here, you aren’t leaving the bedroom til you can’t stand

 

 **Angel_Wings:** That’s inappropriate.

 

 **Impala67:** You know you love it

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Perhaps. How is Sam?

 

 **Impala67:** He’s okay as far as I know. I guess he and Gabe have decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Vegas

 

 **Angel_Wings:** If they come back and they’re married, it was Gabriel’s doing

 

 **Impala67:** Ehh idk sams pretty into him surprisingly

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Who would have ever though that those two would get together

**Impala67:** I didn’t

 

 **Impala67:** I didn’t think we’d get together either

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Neither did I

 

 **Impala67:** Now you’re my husband. Castiel Winchester.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** That’s still like the sexiest thing

 

 **Impala67:** What is?

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Castiel Winchester. I love it.

 

 **Impala67:** Dually noted. I’ll make use of that when making sure you can’t stand

 

 **Angel_Wings:** Dean.

 

 **Impala67:** love you

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I love you too Dean. I need to try to get some sleep, though. Today was exhausting.

 

 **Impala67:** I bet babe. Call me tomorrow, okay? I wanna hear your voice.

 

 **Angel_Wings:** I can call you now.

 

     Without waiting for a response, Castiel grabbed his phone. He dialed Dean’s number. His husband answered on the second ring. “Hey, angel.”

     Castiel smiled at the sound of his voice. “Hello, Dean.”

     “And you think Castiel Winchester is sexy? How about your voice in general?” Dean chuckled.

     Castiel rolled his eyes. “Are you really that desperate for me to come back just for sex?”      “Hey, I miss you,” Dean defended. “The sex is just a major bonus.”

     He laughed and rolled his eyes. “I’m glad I called,” he confessed. “I didn’t realize how much I missed your voice too.”

     Dean let out a small laugh. “I bet. What’re you doing?”

     Castiel sighed and stood up from his seat at the desk where his laptop was set up. “Going to lay down on the bed. What about you?”

     “Well… it’s approximately 2 in the morning. I’m laying on our bed… snuggling your pillow. Bumblebee’s in my lap… And I’m talking to the most attractive man on planet Earth, my angel, my saving grace, my Castiel.”

     Castiel smiled widely at his comments. Since they officially became a thing, he found that Dean could be rather cheesy at times. And Castiel ate it up. He loved the way Dean would compliment him endlessly in ways that would made most chick flick movies look cold-hearted.

     “I love you, Dean,” he stated happily. He found it almost unbelievable to think there was a time when he was afraid to tell Dean Winchester that he loved him. He found it hard to even remember it… as though the memories just couldn’t be real. _How could I have been so stupid to almost lose this amazing guy?_

     “I love you too, Cas… I don’t wanna hang up… But I’m tired as fuck and I don’t wanna fall asleep on you,” Dean huffed. Castiel couldn’t help but laugh; he sounded like a petulant child.

     “Oh, you poor thing… I’ll call you tomorrow first thing when I wake up,” Castiel promised. He absentmindedly fiddled with the wedding band on his finger. It made him smile. He was Dean’s. Dean was his. “You better answer.”

     “I wouldn’t miss a call from you for anything, angel,” Dean replied.

     Castiel blushed a bit and was glad that Dean couldn’t see him. “Okay… Goodnight, Dean. I love you.”

     “Goodnight, Cas… I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaannnnnddddd it's finished! Yay!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading and sticking with me through this story. I'm glad I decided to give this story a happy ending - I usually don't have happy endings as a rule... but with Supernatural characters, I do like to let them be happy together once in a while. :)
> 
> If you'd like, I'd really appreciate it if you checked out my other Supernatural fanfics on this site, including Supernatural High and The Guardian. Those are the two I'm going to be mostly focusing on now. :) I hope you enjoy and thank you again!


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